Thursday, 16 November 2017


Apparently, according to the 'pe' which appears under my Blogs I'm now registered in PERU so how has THAT happened !

Does someone with a farm full of Llamas now 'own' me !

Answers to my email on if you have any idea whatsoever !

Thursday, 2 November 2017


It's taking MONTHS for my dentist to work through his latest plans for me and he dismissed a niggling pain in an upper rear monster as being insignificant, though I KNEW it wasn't !

So it niggled and it niggled until three days ago when the pain became UNBEARABLE just after I'd returned to Scotland, after having gone back home to do a market !

Shirley and I have different pain thresholds and I would be writhing on the floor before she'd even noticed a tingle so she wasn't terribly happy when I suggested I HAD to get help before my jaw exploded and I died !

"Well you're not DRIVING back because Julian wants to come over for golf and cycling up Kirroughtree ! Why didn't you just stay at home and get the emergency appointment on Monday ? I would have been alright on my own for ONE more night ! After all we spend more time apart these days than together !"

Now when you're in REAL pain, the sort that stops you breathing and prevents clear thinking, the LAST thing you need is a LACK OF SYMPATHY !

I took myself to bed only to be woken within the hour by Shirley bursting in with a list of bus and train times to get me home and several alternative lists in case the first one didn't work out !

"Are you listening David ? DAVID !"


"You get up at 6:50 and by the time you've shaved and had a cup of tea your bus will be at the stop a half mile away ! Now I'll do you a banana sandwich to take which I'll make now although it'll be black by the time you eat it and I'll put in two more unpeeled ones for the train, right ?"

I was by this time semi-comatosed with pain and grunted my acceptance !

"The bus'll take just over an hour and as long as it's on time and you can get through to the dentist once you get to the train station they open at 8:45 and you'll just have time to book the emergency slot before you get the train OK ? I'm giving you MY phone as yours doesn't work and you'd better not lose it right ?"


"IF the bus gets in late and you miss the train there's another one in an hour OK ?"


"But if the dentist CAN'T see you you'll have to wait 'til 10:37 for a bus back here right ?"


"If you DO get the train, it's straight through to The Metro Centre where if you run you'll be able to get the 'Valley 10' to Eldon Square where if you run again you'll be able to get the X9 home OK ?"


"You'll have to cycle to the dentist and depending on what time you get out and whether or not you have had an extraction and have taken these two bags of Halloween Maoams to Gemma's (who remarked on how pain brought a remarkably corpse-like quality to my face !) or just go home to rest you HAVE to get the X9 back to Julian's by 8 so he can drive you back here for a couple of days cycling and golf OK ?"


"Now repeat all that so I know you know what you're doing !"


Tuesday, 24 October 2017

SALLY...PART 188. THE SHOWER THAT NEARLY KILLED ME ! NEARLY the real version and not the Facebook one !

I was replying to yet another Facebook insult when a mouthful of THE most dreadful profanities brought me to my senses and I leapt up as slowly as I could to find out why my wife was hurling abuse at me THIS time !

"The ####### shower's just gone FREEZING so ####### well fix it !" she screamed !

I trundled to the boiler cupboard and saw everything functioning properly and called out, "Nothing wrong this end !"

"I can't ######## hear you you #### as the shower's on and drumming against the glass doors !"

So I opened the bathroom door and stepped up to the shower cubicle and stared at the tap to make sure she'd rotated the temperature control right up...which she had !

"Close the ####### door and get OUT !" she screamed for no really good reason that I could work out and I went back to the cupboard, switched the electric mains off and then off again after which the heat came back on and I returned to my first love....FACEBOOK !

Within five seconds another piercing scream rendered the air blue and I returned to the bathroom where upon entering I was ordered to "#### off !" again and as you don't not do what you're told not to do in my marriage I left and returned to the cupboard where this time, as payback, I pretended to jiggle some stuff and called out, "That should sort it !" to which she responded at a decibel level that sent my appalling tinnitus into overdrive, "Well it ######## hasn't you ######## ! Now get up to Reception and tell them to get whoever serviced the ####### boiler back here right now ! I'm dying for ####'s sake !"

"Why not let me get you a towel and you can get wrapped up and in front of the fire 'til I get back." I suggested timidly .

"I've got ####### shampoo in my hair and no way to rinse it off so #### off NOW with your ####### brilliant ideas ! My mother was right about you all along !"

Before things got any more personal I slipped on my jacket, slipped out of our Scottish residence and instantly slipped on the sopping wet grass, going instantaneously down in a directly vertical manner with the back of my head strikng the ground first !

Any silent movie slapstick star would have been envious of my pratfall !

Regaining consciousness and with a greater fear of another tongue lashing than of death, I staggered the half mile to Reception and meekly asked for help with the boiler whilst standing covered head to toe in mud with a lump the size of a potato rapidly growing on the back of my skull !

The Receptionist seemed not to notice the state of me and typed something into her computer which miraculously said "Yes" and drawled something indecipherable whilst chewing bubblegum before she sent me packing !

By the time I got back the raging Harridan had turned into a giggling schoolgirl and virtually UNwrapped in a very skimpy short towel no bigger than a face flannel was laughing with the engineer who had been instantly dispatched and had even made him a cup of tea and a sandwich which he scoffed with his head in the cupboard !

She stared at me and my mud as if we were something unfit for human consumption, ordered me to undress outside and pointed at the cupboard under the sink where the liquid soap was kept, at the sink and at me before returning to the plumber with, "As I was saying, I'll have to pop back into the shower now you've sorted it and no peeping you naughty boy !"

Tuesday, 19 September 2017


There is NO preparing yourself for the full horror of a dental impression !

It is HORRIBLE ! And if you think you DON'T have a 'Gagging Reflex' YOU DO !

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise !

Don't believe a word your dentist says !

Breathe slowly and deeply through your mouth whilst having pleasant thoughts ?


And when he takes it out it's just as bad if not WORSE !

Next time I will insist on a General Anaesthetic !

I am going to write two apologetic cards if they print such to my dentist and one to his nurse !

As his 'tool' hit my gagging spot I grabbed his wrist in a vice like grip desperate to force his diabolical 'tray' device out of my mouth but he overcame my force with even greater force and pushed it in further and HELD it there for a full YEAR whilst Nurse Sarah held my other hand and stroked it, urging me to breathe deeply through my nose...which I couldn't because holding my jaws apart shut off those normally quite sizeable passages !

Now retching whilst your being sick is a doddle compared to the retching you'll do when having an impression taken and I'm NOT joking !

As I sat there flailing and retching abominably, fighting against my dentist Mr Williamson's determination, Nurse Sarah kept an iron grip on my left hand whilst strokng it furiously yet gently enough for me to start having disgusting thoughts about her, thoughts that nearly made me miss her gently cooing voice......."Think nice thoughts Mr Nash ! Think of you getting a hole in one on the golf course on a bright sunny day ! Try and imagine lying in a field of daisies whilst your favourite dental nurse lies sleeping beside you ! Try and picture a tinkling stream or puffy clouds over a lake in Switzerland and other lovely things ! Do you know 'High On A Hill Sat A Lonely Goat Herd from The Sound Of Music Mr Nash ? I'll sing it if you hum along ! Come on now Mr Williamson, you whistle the tune for us !"

And that's how we got through the whole DISGUSTING experience...Mr Williamson whistling, Nurse Sarah singing her heart out and me trying to bravely retch in harmony !

It'll be two weeks before I go back to complete my course of treatment and I don't even think I'll let that deeply brain vibrating slow drill thing bother me after today !

Friday, 15 September 2017


Months ago it was when Shirley came to me HORRIFIED !

"Have you ever been down on your knees and looked up and under the toilet bowl's rim ?" she hurled at me mercilessly !

"Can't say I have pet no !" I answered with trepidation, fearing the worst !

"Well it's DISGUSTING and you're the one who cleans the toilet so SORT IT NOW !"

" I'm just finishing off these purs........

"NOW !"

So up I went obediently and frankly couldn't see what she was on about ! I clean that toilet perfectly every day and have even considered opening my own Public Toilet in my front garden now that England no longer has a single one in any town !

 I could sell Cream Teas whilst people waited or after they'd been and make a fortune !

"Shirley ! You could eat your dinner off my rim !" I said incorrectly !

"No you couldn't you blind fool and as usual I'm going to have to be the one who does something about it !"

So three days of research threw up a twenty five pound under rim model from Tescos and I was told to buy one next time I was near a store.


"If that's what they cost then that's what you'll spend you tight fisted git !" she bellowed !

So months later I bought it and took it home triumphantly, adopting a 'Statue Of Liberty' pose as I presented it to my wife, disturbing her greatly as she hadn't finished checking the world's weather reports only ten hours after she'd once again woken at 4am !

"DAH DAAAH !" I roared !

"What is THAT ?" she sneered .

"That my darling is the twenty five quid under rim toilet brush you commanded me to buy months ago !" I replied awaiting her approval.

"Don't be STUPID ! No-one would pay twenty five quid for a toilet brush whether it cleans under the rim or not and I did not 'COMMAND' you to buy anything, never COMMAND you to do anything and certainly not to buy an under rim toilet brush for twenty five quid ! I'm going to have a heart attack and keep youir voice down or the neighbours will hear !" she threw back in my face !

"So you are actually denying that you spent DAYS researching under rim toilet brushes are you ?" I fumed, choking with hatred as I knew she HAD !

"I most certainly did NOT and if you want a good kicking just try carrying on with that tone in your voice !" she snarled, wiping the spittle off her chin with her fetid sleeve !

So that sorted that out and so we went out into the garden for our daily game of Scrabble which today was in the rain !
Several days later and it's GONE !

The nice lady at Tescos gave me my money back without asking why I was returning it which was a pity really because I would have loved to have repeated some of Shirley's choicest swear words when she first saw it !
I hid under a tree at tescos to take this shot as I didn't want anyone to see me and think me weird and report me !
And my next stop was B&Q to replace the 'wrong' jointing sand with the correct jointing sand !

Friday, 11 August 2017


I would be lying if I said that I was the exception to this ancient rule !

I was engrossed in my latest SAS type book when it was kicked from my grasp by the angriest person I have ever met...except for TERRY THE SAUSAGE MAN at my market who is in a pemanent state of rage !

She said, "I SAID, do you think Josh (Groban) should keep his long beard, trim it to a short one or go clean shaven again ?"

Hoping that my answer would get me rewarded with at least a couple of slices of buttered toast I replied, "Clean Shaven."

"WELL I DON'T ! I think he should just trim it !"

"Oh yes of course, just a trim would suit him." I lied.

My eyes then lowered themselves automatically to my book which I had retrieved from the other end of the caravan where we had spent several days in close company enjoying the cold gale force rains of a Scottish summer, when it was kicked out of my hands again !

"That's the trouble with our marriage ! You don't listen to me and we never talk ! You might as well move into a colony of Facebookers who will all be as pathetic as you are writing to your false friends !"

I tried not to let out a 'Here we go again' groan as I put my book down and said, "I don't even dare BREATHE if you're reading in case I disturb you but whatever, what would you like to chat about ?"

At that moment her Kindle beeped for the thousandth time since 5:30am as another message was coming through from Denmark or Blyth !

The truth is that men shouldn't have to live with women unless the woman is interested in cars, golf, athletics, technical stuff or doing NOTHING and women should live in tribes with other women where they could talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.....and talk........generally about the same things they've discussed a hundred times before !

And for once I KNOW what I'm talking about !

Actually we did end our litle spat with an agreement that if my wife wants to talk to me whilst I'm reading then she will rap loudly on a table with a serving spoon and on that prompt I am allowed to read on until a convenient full stop before paying attention to her....which has turned me into a nervous wreck.....waiting for the rap !


"Yes dear ?"


Saturday, 22 July 2017


I've been listening to, "I HATE this self-heal and the way it's invading the lawn !" for years and watched my wife choosing a different place to lie down and rest on following another hideous night's sleep in order to pull out and make another pile of the plants before leaving them to rot on the lower step of our descent into the garden from my room !

So one day, two months ago, when she was away for a week or two I impulse bought a huge quantity of 'WEED AND MOSS KILLER WITH ADDED LAWN FOOD' and smothered our few acres with it, little suspecting the devastation I had released would very nearly end my marriage of forty five years !

Had I even had an inkling that that could have been the result I would have bought more...much more of the stuff !

Here's a shot of what greeted my wife's eyes when she returned !

What was even worse was that it stunk to high heaven and rendered the air unbreathable so there was only one thing to do.....HOOVER it up !

So out I went with the VAX and away I went on one of the most ridiculous ventures of my life !

The air was filled with great sobs thundering across the neighbourhood from the back bedroom where my wife had locked herself away, my lungs and nose were filled with the finely ground up particles of POISON that the Vax was spraying in every direction and the machine itself rapidly clogged up with grass every three seconds !

Ten minutes later and sweating like a pig from the effort of trying to push an upright vacuum cleaner over a desolate piece of rough wasteland my cunning plan ground to a halt and having burnt out the motor I crept upstairs to knock quietly on her door and offer an apology....which wasn't accepted !

I even suggested that she tried calming down and would perhaps enjoying returning to the kitchen to cook me some scampi and chips but that quite surprisingly, if I may say so, didn't work and for some unfathomable reason only made things worse and I have yet to try to do with the scampi what she said I could do for all she cared !

She shouted through the keyhole that she had packed her bag and was going back to her mother and there was nothing I could do to stop her but I found that reminding her as calmly as I could that her mother had departed this world many years before worked a treat !

Forward to three days later and after reading EVERYTHING on the internet about lawns and why one should never use weed killer Shirley came downstairs and though still sobbing admitted that there had to be worse things in life though she couldn't think of any and allowed me to reseed and awaited results which actually are pretty amazing.....eight weeks later !
The Self Heal has all gone, the devastation is a thing of the past and we now have a lawn you can once again lie on and sunbathe....if only we had some sun !

Wednesday, 19 July 2017


Three weekends ago my 37 year old son Julian persevered through HELL to compete a in a CITY TO SUMMIT race in Scotland so severe that one wonders why anyone would want to put themselves through it !
Here are the details for historic purposes to show his descendents where their toughness stems from !
130 people began the day at 4:30am with a 15 mile run from Queensferry across the Forth Road Bridge back into Edinburgh before riding their bikes for 115 miles towards Fort William and finishing their 19 plus hour days with a FULL MARATON over totally rocky terrain which included climbing and descending Britain's highest mountain Ben Nevis where temperatures at the summit were -5*C !
They cycled and ran through twelve solid hours of gale force winds and rain which hit them full in the face !
All feeling had gone from their extremities and hypothermia was a mere breath away for most of those 40 who managed to finish !

AS you can tell 90 gave up somewhere along the line !

Julian couldn't face the mountain but somehow dug deep and found the extra resources to keep going !
He has since failed to recover fully and is still fighting off a chest infection which I hadn't realised is par for the course for extreme sportsmen and women and thankfully he has decided never to take part in any such thing again !
My wife had followed the ordeal via the internet and nearly burst with pride when Julian's name showed that he had got to the top of Ben Nevis, shouting out, "HE'S DONE IT !" at about 11:15pm !

Naturally his entire family is extremely proud of him but also completely flummoxed by his need to do such things after he had cycled 385 miles in two days a couple of weeks before this madness !

Long may it NOT continue !

(Julian is only in some of the photos...which aren't necessarily shown in the right order !)

Thursday, 29 June 2017


It's the 29th of June 2017 and England has returned to NOVEMBER ! I am freezing and my front garden is flooded ! My lawn seed which I sowed four days ago is lying dormant ! I am once again wearing thermally insulated winter trousers and about to venture out to take a seven year old to school in the pouring rain !

I forgot to turn the hot water back on three days ago after it was turned off for running over its time limit and so I shall shortly be shaving in cold water !

Friday, 23 June 2017


I DIDN'T get flashed because I stamped on the brakes and in a trice brought my speed down from an irresponsible 73 to 70 when I inadvertently had my eye on an idiot racing down a slip road determined to get ahead of me !

Plus my wife was getting the last few bits of dust in the bottom of a mixed nut packet shaken loose and ready to pour directly into my mouth !

This well practiced feeding method involves my staring up at the roof for about thirty seconds and enduring the contents of whatever I'm being fed going down my shirt collar and into my eyes and up my nose !

I try to keep my eyes on the road but with my head tipped so far back it's simply impossible !

Had we not been approaching Hexham from the west at the time, had Shirley NOT been determined to get the final, final, final bits out and down my throat....had she or for that matter I thought for a moment about what we were approaching....I wouldn't now be facing the dreaded drop of an envelope onto the carpet with a fine and three points in it !

We 'discussed' the matter for the next thirty miles during which, being a man, I accepted full responsibility and apologised many many times during her beratement !

Saturday, 20 May 2017


Last Sunday, for the first time in living memory my wife was too ill to make my sandwiches for market !

What a brave statement for a man to make these days eh ?

There are lots of reasons why she makes them but essentially it's because I never stop working plus the fact that the kitchen is her domain just as much as my room is mine !

With up to fifty food stalls to choose from at market I chose a '.......' one .

........? I would imagine any ......... in Newcastle would demand it was condemned and shut down !

What I got on top of a barely cooked flat round dough thing the size of a child's doll house tea plate and made of soggy paper were three small lumps of stringy meat plus a blob of gristle that made me retch.

On top of that was a bit of cut up raw cabbage and three scrapings of radish, listed as grated !

Nothing had flavour and retching on the gristle reminded me of how I retched on gristle the one and only time I stayed for school dinners when I was nine years old !

I could weep for you lot if you think that what I was served was a gastronomic experience worth getting up for !

You should taste and see what I get served at home by an admittedly reluctant Chef who presents me with Masterpieces even if whilst preparing and before serving it up she shouts out several times, "I fucking HATE cooking !"

Monday, 15 May 2017


I didn't take sandwiches to market yesterday because my wife was wrecked with coughing her guts up because of a particularly virulent bout of flu which hasn't hit me yet and I thought I'd let her go to bed early the night before and have a rest from slaving over me !

I'm a decent bloke for that I guess and anyway I don't do food as I make far too much mess which gets me into trouble for days after I've even touched a knife because she'll find a single crumb miles from the scene that she INSISTS will lure in millions of ants which will then eat ALL our food and build endless nests and eat our cupboards despite my reassuring her that they'd have to be termites to eat cupboards and that termites can't survive Northumberland temperatures !

I also fail to satisfactorily reseal the bread, put the butter back in the wrong area of the fridge after using FAR too much, use nearly every plate and piece of cutlery in the making of a cheese and cucumber sandwich, use too much salt and ignore the mountain of washing up that results from my best effort to show willing !

When she DOES make my sandwiches things go a bit like this......I'll still be working away quietly in my room at about 11pm having started at 7am when the door will be wrenched open with the strength of an outraged Rhino charging a Landrover, startling me and causing such a rush of adrenalin to course through my body that I nearly faint.....

"I suppose I'll have to make your sandwiches for tomorrow then as usual you lazy pig ?"

" If you wouldn't mind as I'm trying to get these hundred purses finished by midnight !"

"So what do you want on them ? I'm not a mind reader !"

"Cheese and cucumber please."


"Yes please."

"Or I could do you Tuna with or without pink sauce"

"No cheese and cucumber will be fine."

 "Or if I must I could do hard boiled eggs."

"No really cheese and cucumber with some salt will honestly be fine."

"You eat too much salt !"

"Just a little bit of salt then?"

"I've got some nearly out of date Wiltshire dry cure ham I could do with English mustard."

No really, really, just cheese and cucumber."

"But the ham needs eating!"

"RIGHT ! I'll have the ham then !"

"Well make up your mind !"

"I did, five minutes ago!"

"Pickled cucumbers with the ham ?"

"Yes please."

"Sliced lengthways or in rounds?"

"Sliced lengthways please."

"They could fall out!"

"Rounds then!"

"White or Brown?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, whichever you choose and I've just cut myself !"

"Don't you talk to me like that ! If your so-called invisible friends on Facebook could hear you they'd be disgusted ! You always blame me when you cut yourself !"

"That's because I can't concentrate on this trimming when you complicate something that could really have been so simple!"

"Well TOUGH and in fact you can make them yourself now you bully  and clear that blood up before you come up to bed because I'm not doing it !"

And that's why I didn't take any food with me yesterday because I was too busy getting my thumb sewn back on in A&E !


Monday, 8 May 2017

SALLY...Part 178. AT LAST !

I only had to scream down the phone one last time and they collapsed after eight months under the strain of my daily phone calls !

 My driving licence is BACK !

Thursday, 4 May 2017


It'll be a year next month since a funny turn made me stop driving for an hour and then saw me scuttling off to A&E where my blood pressure was seen to be sky high and I was sent home with the suggestion that I might like to ask for a Cardiology appointment to see whether there had been a deterioration in my non-sinister funny heart beat...called ventricular ectopics.

That appointment, scheduled for six weeks later saw the Consultant listen to my tale whereby she decided to carry out some tests and informed me that I shouldn't drive and must tell the DVLA !

So I surrendered my licence and when the tests proved nothing I got discharged from her clinic on October the 18th and it has taken since then to get my licence back !

The moral of the story is unless you want to lose your licence DON'T go to the Doctor until you are actually dying by which time it'll be too late !

Oh and I think the title should have been ANNUS HORIBILIS which is what the Queen had a few years ago !

Wednesday, 3 May 2017


As the sun finally came out I thought that it might just be possible to get Shirley and her bad knee to go for a gentle walk around Seaton Delaval Hall, our very local National Trust Property from which I am BANNED !

The bus would drop us right outside and I thought that if the pain was too bad then we could quickly get home !

She had actually admitted to feeling better having spent an hour or two yesterday bent from the waist pulling hundreds of dandelions out of our lawn and even managed a brave smile when she made us a picnic this morning !


Dismounting our transport she thrust our Scottish National Trust membership cards into my hand for me to show them upon entry as she will have nothing to do with the lower classes who sit behind desks checking such things !

 We walked HER chosen route twice and once she'd decided that she felt strong enough for an additional FOUR MILE route march across fields, along a Dene and down a coastal road to a bench out of the wind we set out ! That is SHE set out and I followed, laden down with a rucksack containing her usual collection of anti-thigh-rub gels, spare shoes, tops, coats, boots, sun creams of various strengths, several litres of water and her spare visor in case the wind took the one she was wearing !

She ate her wrap, well half of it but how was I to know THAT whilst I took photos in the grounds and searched for a short-cut through the churchyard which she had instructed me to go and find but which wasn't I failed in her I do with most things I try to do to please her !

We tried another short cut across the side of the front lawn which I'd stupidly suggested but which ended in an impossible-to-cross HA HA !

Her eyes narroewd even further as she barked insults at my stupidity !

Sometime later I fell well behind as with bone crunching against bone she stormed off across the land !

Down in the dene I begged her to ease off and let me sit to eat as my legs felt hollow but NO, she sped up and disappeared into the far distance !

So, faint with hunger I opened the sandwich box, saw two wraps and having received no instructions fell on the first one that came to hand and tore into it !

There were also two packets of posh Kettle crisps but as I knew I would be expected to eat the lesser 'Lightly Salted' ones, I left her much tastier 'Balsamic Vinegar' ones unopened and crunched through my alotted ounce and a quarter of nothingness !

When I eventually caught up with my now resting wife about an hour later she opened the box and demanded to know why I had eaten her other half of her cheese and cucumber wrap when I knew full well that she'd made me a Tuna one which she wouldn't have made for herself because she hates tuna !

My explanation of "I had no idea what was in a folded over wrap!" only managed to anger her more and she thanked me for being responsible for her having to starve as she HATED Tuna !

So, I grabbed the offensive piece of dough and reluctantly shovelled it down my still hungry throat without  noticing that a great deal of Tuna juice had run out of the bottom of the wrap as it unrolled itself and dripped onto my jacket sleeve which now stank to add to the atmosphere as we 'discussed' my selfishness !

I HATE wraps ! What is the point of the foul, soggy, tasteless things anyway ?

So off she shot, bad tempered and starving for a further two mile silent route march to Seaton Sluice where she could finally rest ALL her bone on bone AND cracking joints on a proper bench !

We love our little walks !


Tuesday, 25 April 2017


The forms went back to the relevant Government Office and got scanned onto their computer yesterday so when I phoned them today seven months after they revoked my driving licence whilst medical tests were carried out which proved me to be fit and well within a few weeks, the operative told me for about the thirtieth time that a procedure had to followed and would take time !

Once I had explained my position AGAIN and even emphasised that my Cardilogy Consultant had both written and telephoned them to pass me fit the man replied, "We don't know for sure that that person was genuinely who she said she was." or words to that effect !

"WHAT ?" I shouted ! "WHAT ? Are you telling me that a Hospital Consultant Cardiologist phoning up and talking to your medical team might not have been genuine ?"

He tried to backpeddle but the damage was done and I'm now waiting for his superviser to phone me back with undoubtedly some lame excuse !

Am I now to be branded a liar ?

Saturday, 8 April 2017


I have been banned from driving for feeling unwell since last October but was finally allowed to reapply for my licence a fortnight ago after my Consultant telephoned the agency responsible and gave me the all clear !

I had to fill in two medical enquiry forms, one about epileptic fits....which I've never had, and one about heart attacks and loss of consciousness....which I've also never had and got refused on the grounds that I DIDN'T COMPLETE THE FORMS !

The poor woman I telephoned got a real earbashing when she told me they were sending the forms back to me for completion !


"Just complete the forms Sir and resubmit them." replied the agent to whom I'd just explained that her forms were not relevant to ME !

"But you get three thousand applications a day, so another agent told me and this will take another three weeks before you even scan it and you're RUINING MY LIFE !"

"Just complete the forms Sir and resubmit them."

"BUT aren't you listening to me ? They are NOT RELEVANT !"

"Just complete the forms Sir and resubmit them."

At this point I agreed to do what she said and haven't stopped crying for days !

Tuesday, 21 March 2017


Without a driving licence, having lost it seven months ago to a medical decision that erred on the side of caution, life as we knew it is IMPOSSIBLE !

Everything is dependent on lifts from our family or public transport and I HATE being dependent on anyone !


HATE having to ask !

HATE having to be humble !


HATE being old and completely anonymous !


Now last week I was told by my Consultant's secretary to expect good news from The DVLA this week after my Consultant personally telephoned their medical staff and hopefully stuck a rocket up their collective behinds but so far NOTHING because they move at no pace whatsoever and either don't know or simply don't care how disrupted peoples lives can become without a car !

So planning a few days away becomes a monumental feat of planning by my wife who has had to spend hours checking timetables in order to get us over for a break in SW Scotland, a hundred and thirty miles or two and three quarter hours from home by car but six hours by public transport with at least four changes and several waits and very few public toilets and if there are any...CLEAN ones !

She's got a cold that's even worse than Manflu and the weather forecast said ZERO DEGREES tonight and heavy rain for a day and then one day of sun before we'd have to travel back to BABYSIT !


I'm glad that we haven't gone as I HATE the cold and HATE the rain and am quite happy to wait until things warm up a bit but didn't like to say as I'm not the one who makes decisions despite getting told occasionally that I SHOULD 'Man Up' by the decision maker !

Monday, 27 February 2017


When I spotted this brand new, hand-knitted Teddy lying face down in the mud outside Cullercoats Staion yesterday afternoon I picked him up and propped him on the station's windowsill in the hope that the owner's parent would retrace their steps and find him !

I then posted my photos on a photographic site I have received enormous acclaim from for my land and seascape work over the past weeks since joining asking people to 'SHARE' the shots in the hope of reuniting the two parties !

An 'Admin' stepped in and deleted the first person, a lady's comment for some reason I really didn't understand and when I asked him why he said he didn't have to explain his reasons to ANYONE !

I must admit that I replied to this and called him arrogant, pompous and pathetic after which he BANNED me from the Group !

So being public spirited has led to this !

Mind you a great number of people are REALLY upset with his action and have written to me expressing their utter bewilderment which was really heartwarmingly kind of them !

I've sent the shots and the story to Newcastle's Chronicle Newspaper and really hope that they launch an all out attack on him and shame him into a public apology !

Plus I'm now expecting calls from the WORLD'S press and television channels who will want to interview me and make me richer and more famous than I already am.....I see a film script coming out of this and a lucrative future in Hollywood !

Now I wish I'd taken Teddy home with me and got him cleaned up and ready for the countless public appearances I will now have to make on my own !

FURTHER TO THAT........Yesyerday the 17th of March a stalker revealed himself to me on Facebook and fortunately i photographed his message before the coward deleted it ! So here it is !
He never got to see my reply as written here because I rewrote it in a far less aggressive but more humiliating form !!

Thursday, 9 February 2017


I have been informed that I must serve a full one year term without being able to drive and that's FINAL !

Decisions have been reached and cannot be gainsaid !

So two days ago I spoke to the secretaries of both my Cardiologist and my GP and asked them to ask their respective medical professionals to personally phone the DVLA and 'insist' as far as is possible on my getting my licence back as after all they had both written to the DVLA and passed me fit to drive !

This will be virtually my last ditch attempt to overturn the ruling....virtually but not quite !

Friday, 23 December 2016


Last June I felt unspecifically unwell whilst out driving relativelyclose to home and had to stop for an hour to recover, got home, took my blood pressure and found it to be rather high 195/95 when it should have been around 140/80 so took myself to A&E where they carried out tests which basicaly that I was fine but needed to get some pills to bring the BP down to an undangerous level !

The doctor reommended I had an annual check up back at my own hospital which had diagnosed me the previous year with a weird extra heartbeat in my left ventricle.

That Consultant instantly advised me to stop driving until the source of my unwellness had been investigated and said I had to inform the DVLA  which I did and they asked me to SURRENDER my licence which I did and then they 'revoked' it for a year starting in October this year because I had had recurrent episodes of 'loss of consciousness/altered awareness'....which I HAD NOT HAD !

I fell into THEIR category and I am unable to talk to anyone about this which is MADDENING !

All tests proved that there was essentially nothing wrong with me except DIVERTICULR DISEASE which is a GASTROLOGY problem but the DVLA have just informed me that following medical enquiries I cannot drive for a year....that'll be until next October so now I have a fight on my hands following the trail and finding out where things went wrong !

All appointment waiting times are around THREE MONTHS in England and so I have spent a LONG time waiting to see people and am absolutely frustrated by what has happened !

Although I DID think that something was wrong I SO wish I had never gone to A&E in the first place but crawled under a rock until things had righted themselves.....which they now have !

Friday, 16 December 2016


I think I might send a copy of this to be posted in all Cardiac Departments !



The bus stop I use to go into Newcastle is beside a set of traffic lights on a very busy main road and despite the dangers involved you can see endless numbers of people who STILL use their mobile phones despite it being an offence both whilst stopped for the red lights or whilst driving along !

Today I saw a young woman driving a 66 registered car...that means brand new in England...following a bus too closely and clearly NOT looking at the road but looking down to her right at what I presume was her mobile phone !

When the bus braked for the traffic lights she DIDN'T until the last moment when she suddenly looked up and just avoided a collision !

Shortly afterwards the bus pulled away quite some time before she noticed it had gone and signalled that it was turning into the bus stop and braked as it did so.

The woman who hadn't stopped texting the whole time didn't spot the bus halting once again until the last moment because she was back texting and glancing up had to apply her brakes suddenly AGAIN !

OK she didn't hit anything or anyone but how many people might she mow down ? How much damage MIGHT she do and at what cost !

How much will insurance companies end up paying out because of her recklessness ?

If you're reading this young lady, do reply and explain why you think it's OK to be so recklessly irresponsible !

It could be my Grandson crossing the road who you don't see next time you're texting !

Wednesday, 7 December 2016


Well it's not that I thought I was ACTUALLY dying 6 months ago but something was definitely up and having had to stop driving about twenty miles from home because of feelings too vague to provide a concrete diagnosis a cardiac consultant eventually told me I had to stop driving some twelve weeks or more AFTER I took myself to A&E where it was found I had a Blood Pressure reading of 207/110 and which probably caused the horribleness I'd experienced earlier that day !

A&E did NOT insist I stopped driving but advised me to have an annual heart check up because I DO have non-sinister ventricular ectopic beats which play no part other than being there.

A pain behind the rear left hand ribs DID lead to an ultrasound scan which showed I had kidney stones and a later MRI scan showed I DIDN'T and never had had any but I DID have something called Diverticular disease which has to do with Gastrology and not the Urology department where I had ended up after another thirteen week wait !

Now that was a brief recounting of a few medical visits but what it can't even get near to sharing is the sheer frustration of waiting about three months for a hospital appointment, especially when you're in, let's call it....discomfort and a state of ignorance because the pain in my back was dreadful but I believed it was kidney pain which would get sorted so I took strong painkillers and waited !

The DVLA asked me to surrender my driving licence until further assessments were carried out but they then REVOKED it and told me that as I'd had blackouts I couldn't drive for a year !

I hadn't had any such thing happen and simply felt unwell but their standardised categories meant I couldn't drive until they had gathered medical reports showing I was fine !

WELL a few weeks after my BP was brought back down to normal and for a long time now I have felt perfectly normal ! I never stopped working, babysitting or markets and I am just left in a limbo whilst awaiting beaurocracy to grind to a decision which I suspect it won't do for ages despite my impatiently phoning the DVLA many times and telling them that according to THEIR rules a person having had a stroke only has to stop driving for a month and someone having had an epileptic fit only has to stop driving for a week and that they had no category for a person who simply felt unwell !

They also state that once a reapplication is received, which they sent me the form to fill in, the applicant can drive...."But not in your case Sir as your licence was revoked and we are carrying out further investigations."

So DON'T go to A&E ! Don't tell anyone in an official position ANYTHING as they are duty bound to act on it...against you !

I have learnt my lesson and offer my tale as a warning !

Mind I DID feel AWFUL !

Saturday, 12 November 2016


I was carrying Shirley's coat and despite wearing four or five layers of my own I was still freezing whilst she sweated as the temperature was just above absolute zero !
We were walking in Holywell Dene this afternoon when a slobbering Labrador dog walked past with a mouthful of slobber hanging from it's jowls !

 It was ten feet short of Shirley when it shook its head violently from side to side sending most of the mucussy gunge flying in a circle that landed on top of its muzzle !

I retched but Shirley hadn't spotted it and carried on walking.

So get your boots on and get out there !
"Why" I said when I caught up with my wife, "do dogs slobber so much ?"

"I don't know!" she responded with contempt, "I don't know EVERYTHING !"

And that's when I fainted !

It's taken forty four years for those words to come out of her mouth and I'm still in shock three hours later !
Late autumn in England can be as gorgeous as this !

Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Sally...Part 165.TRUST ME, IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR IT !

You might be as shocked as I was to discover that some thirty five years ago I momentarily relaxed my high moral standards and apparently allowed a woman to spend an afternoon with me !

How this information came to light had best not be revealed as it involves a degree of indiscretion by both the woman and the person she revealed the information to who then revealed it to the person I am married to who then asked to have a word with me in private, in her room !

Now obviously I was considerably younger then and evidently considered a dish by the 29 year old mother of seven who despite having so many children found the time to 'spend an afternoon' with me, seduce me and take from me what I held most dear, my cherry !

I have no recollection whatsoever of that afternoon which frankly would have been six minutes at best and whether or not as a red-blooded man I would have behaved in such a reprehensible way has to be a matter for discussion amongst those who once held me in esteem but who now hold me in contempt !

For my part I certainly had a shop at the time and a beard and shoulder length hair which was unusual for the town and skin tight bright blue jeans with red buttons down the front of the flies which I thought made me look hot though the thought of me prancing around in them now makes me feel hot under the collar but giving of myself to a woman, any woman and one with SEVEN children seems ridiculous !

Not that I would have stooped so low as to ask a potential conquest how many children she'd had before I indulged had I ever considered indulging which I absolutely deny because I am an honourable man !

As an aside and hopefully as an example of my trustworthiness, an extremely attractive and fit young woman of 18 once came in and asked me whether I could make her a leather bra and panties for her to wear when she entertained other young ladies which was her bent and when I said I could and would but would have to measure her whilst wearing only a pair of briefs....her not long as she brought along a chaperone, she said that she trusted me as I had to be Gay to make leather bags and therefore not a threat !

But that's by the by and I must return to my original tale........

In pleading my innocence and incredulity at the preposterous accusation I asked a couple of questions of my interrogator.......Would I, a married man, or any married man for that matter, risk his marriage for a moment's, well six minute's pleasure and did she think I wouldn't have run a mile from an obviously sex mad woman with what even I, with absolutely no knowledge of women, would have thought rather flaccid parts after having had seven children and with them...the children and not the parts....waiting at home for her to return to feed them and all ?

No of course I wouldn't have accepted her invitation ! I would have said, "Ma'am I am both flattered and horrified at the same time but I must decline your offer ! Now please leave my premises and never return !"

I would have then marched to my front door, flung IT open and her OUT !

I don't doubt the woman, if she was telling the truth had needs and settled on a young man with a shop to fulfil them but it wasn't me though it could have been a customer of mine who I'd asked to mind the shop whilst I popped out for a sandwich !

Yeh ! That must have been what happened !

I'm certain that my wife believed me though she has continued to question me about 'that slag', mostly at inconvenient times like at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am and 6am after jabbing me sharply in the ribs with a violent elbow every night since the revelation !

Actually would a young woman of 29 with seven children really go on the prowl ?

I think not and believe that the woman who is now 64 is a fantasist !

And it's a good job that my wife and children implicitly trust me and accept my account !

Finally, I feel confident that future generations reading this will find it hard to believe that my version isn't` completely true even if other gold-digging skeletons emerge from the cupboard to sully my name before and/or after I am gone and can't defend myself !, a week after I wrote this I and my very forgiving and trusting wife got on a bus to Morpeth and on two front seat were three really gobby women who never shut up for a single minute throughout the forty five minute journey !

Next to me the woman who had researched Facebook thoroughly and come up with several photographs of the alleged lady suddenly said, "That's the one ! The blonde on the left !"

I told her she was daft and denied the incident ever took place, hoping that she wasn't about to create a scene which she didn't but I felt that she desperately wanted to say something ! In fact I know she did because she told me !

The ladies got off in Morpeth and four hours later the blonde and one of the other women got back on the same bus as we did and once again talked non-stop for the entire return journey !

If that wasn't bad enough the blonde then transferred onto our next bus home as well !

My wife couldn't wait to get home and bring up the photos which showed that indeed it WAS the alleged culprit !



Actually, my memory isn't that bad and I honestly have no idea who the woman was and the one on the bus absolutely certainly wasn't my type, then or now !

Saturday, 20 August 2016


ME: Shirley, did you see Usain Bolt winning the Men's four by one hundred metres relay race last night ?

SHIRLEY: No, I haven't watched a single second of the Olympics !

ME: Sighing and walking back to my room....OK.

SHIRLEY: Possibly trying to mend fences slightly...I'll guess he probably crossed a line quite quickly ?

ME: You've just hit sport on the head you genius !

Wednesday, 10 August 2016


ME !
I KNOW that I am less talented than Josh Groban !

I'm no longer a geeky looking thirty four year old with a magnificent baritone voice who can play the piano effortlessly and compose beautiful songs that reach deep into the souls of women !

Nor am I the sort of man that millions of women around the world want to crush to their breasts !

I never was any of those things !

I can't play the drums like a Rock God either and neither can I hold an audience of twenty thousand
adoring women in the palm of my hand but none of this prepared me for last night's 'request' when
during our watching of the Josh's DVD of his 'AWAKE' tour a searing pain cut through my left chest, making me gasp and cry out !

In response to my clutching my heart and collapsing backwards on the settee with my eyes rolling upwards and a dreadful agonised roar obliterating the fully cranked up TV volume , Shirley shouted above both dins, "Can you please NOT die until the end of this NOTE !" (a particularly long-held one) and carried on watching the man sing 'L'ULTIMA NOTTE' with tears running down her cheeeks and sobbing with her entire hanky virtually stuffed into her mouth !

I'm sure any woman reading this will fully appreciate my wife's dilemna especially as I then went on to admit that the pain was more than likely caused by my ribs being pressed hard against the 'piping' on the edge of the settee's arm which almost certainly 'twanged' a tiny inter-costal muscle !

And now I fear that when the real heart attack strikes I will be scoffed at and asked if I remember the story of the boy who cried wolf !

I'll stop writing now as Shirley insists on using the laptop to check on Josh's latest tweets !

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Sally...Part 162. BP 200/100 ! I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL ! 'MY FAVOURITE PHOTOS' collection starts here and will grow and grow !

And finally it's come to pass that tonight I will start my ACE inhibitor blood pressure reducing regime but only with a tiny 5mg dose ! The possible side effects of an irritating dry cough sounds unpleasant but as only I seem to know that the cure for that is three quarters of an 80% dark chocolate bar per day I am almost looking forward to it !

Three days ago I started a daily six mile bike ride in order to to try to counter the problem naturally but as my doctor told me to start exercising six months ago I might have started a bit late !
I am my own worst enemy as there was no need to get a speeding ticket on my first day out !
I'll take the speeding tickets if I'm going to be getting views like this !
In fact I'm seeing things I didn't know were there or was just too busy to see !
An empty tanker moored off Tynemouth and seen over the top of St. Mary's Island .

Moored in Seaton Sluice .
Storm clouds and a bird over Druridge Bay 25/6/2016

Monday, 2 May 2016


We were in seperate houses yesterday evening, each with our laptops and a selection of three mobile phones and four sim cards !

I have a mobile phone which I rarely use as I HATE mobile phones and the way they are DESTROYING family life, a pay-as-you-go thing that was once Shirley's main phone but which has bad reception and which I'm supposed to carry in case I get lost when out with a Grandchild and which I rarely remember to carry !

Shirley has three phones with their numbers written on the inside of my wallet but I don't know which one I'm supposed to phone when I'm lost.

We have the four sim cards for reasons I'm not really sure of and I certainly have no idea which company supplied them or why we need them. I leave all that stuff to her and nod approval when she tells me things like she can get £5 off if she pays three years advance rental at only £370 !

So last night she must have sent me a Facebook message and wrote, "Can you Facetime me ?"

"What's Facetime ?" I replied.

"Phone me and I'll explain ."

Now we have a house phone but the house where she was doesn't have one which meant that as it was too expensive for me to phone her mobile, whichever one that would have been, with our housephone and as she has a mobile on a contract that allowed her to make five hundred minutes of calls a month and I don't, what I had to do was give her 'free' mobile three rings with my 'expensive' one before pressing the off button and waiting for her to phone me back !

I used my initiative and rung each of her three phones for three rings on my house phone and waited.

She phoned my mobile which somehow happened to be in the house instead of in the car and I pressed the green phone symbol and said, "Hello ! Hello ! HELLO !!" before realising that I was holding it upside down ! Shirley was, by my third 'HELLO!!' screaming and just audible to me, "GO UPSTAIRS WHERE THE RECEPTION'S BETTER !" so I ran up, managing to end the call as I did so !

She phoned me back and as it had somehow turned itself round I could hear her clearly when she asked, "Have you got Facebook on so I can Facetime you ?"

"I have but I'm upstairs." I replied, "Hang on I'm walking down again ! Right, what's 'Facetime' ?"

"I can ring you on Facebook and we can talk for free. Just click on the 'answer' button when you hear it 'chirp'."

It 'chirped' and I clicked only to hear what sounded like garbled Martian coming through the speakers so I shouted, "I can't hear you Shirley ! SHIRLEY ? I CAN'T HEAR YOU so I'm going to click off !"

Shirley then phoned my mobile again to tell me to take the phone upstairs but as she was telling me what to do I felt a sneeze coming on and yelled, "Hang on, I'm going to sneeze!" and did so with such force that I pressed something obscure on my phone, ending the call and rendering the phone useless for a few minutes !

She then phoned the housephone and instructed me on how to Facetime HER but I just couldn't work it out !

What she wanted was for me to go upstairs with my mobile and listen to her instructions as I stood in front of two of her wardrobes to gather some clothing for her night away so I went back upstairs with my phone in my hand !

"Right ! The temperature's going up to 7*C tonight and I've only brought winter clothes so I'll need you to bring me some summer ones or I'll die from the heat ! In the right hand wardrobe you'll see my tops and right in the middle and to the right of the turquoise one with the flowers on as opposed to the one with the squiggles on you'll see a burgundy one with nothing on and get me the lightweight black trousers with the seam sewn down the middle and some underwear from out of the two drawers OK and bring them here ."

I of course managed to get the wrong trousers and couldn't see the burgundy top that she insisted was next to her turquoise one so I took all her tops ! I selected her bra and panties from a drawer that I have never looked in before, will never look in again and which left me feeling distinctly queazy !

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Sally...Part 160. MY SHOE NIGHTMARE !


 I can be anywhere these days when I suddenly can't remember which shoes I've got on or whether I've got any on at all! I can be seen stood, frozen to the spot and staring down at my feet in a panic!

 This anxiety is not a sign of senility but of Shirley's obsession to keep our
newly cleaned pale lounge carpet as spotless as possible even with grandchildren
ruining it with their unwelcome sticky fingers and nappy accidents.

 It was always a nightmare bringing up three children who more than once brought
in something very nasty they had trodden in on the way home from school and
deposited it on our then long-haired carpet for me to comb out and sterilise!

 So once our present carpet was cleaned Shirley had said to me, "David. DAVID ! LISTEN! Are
you listening to me or are you thinking about Facebook or your next Blog as usual?"

  "What? Yeh yeh I'm listening. What now? What have I done? What HAVEN'T I done?"

  "There's no need to get on your high horse, I was just going to say that I want
this carpet to stay clean so there's to be NO FOOD in here at ALL right? You, Janny and the
Grandchildren will have to eat in the kitchen from now on OK ?"

  "Yeh right, whatever."

  "And I don't even want them playing in here anymore so you'll have to have them
in your room or in the loft OK?"

   "Yeh right."

   "And no outdoor shoes in the house at all unless it's the Vicar or the Doctor right!"

   "Yeh fine."

   "Now repeat what I have just said!"

   "Something about Facebook and my Blog wasn't it?"

I now change from my IDENTICAL indoor shoes into my outdoor ones to leave the house and from my outdoor shoes into my indoor shoes whenever I re-enter the house even if I've only stepped out to the bin!

Sometimes I forget and fumble around in the hall pretending to change.

I have even known me to walk through to MY room carrying my wet indoor shoes hidden
behind my back after I'd forgotten to change into my outdoor ones to go to get the
Grandchildren from school !

My ears are ringing now to those terrible high-pitched growled words, "And what are you hiding from me you horrible, devious man?"

Sometimes I forget to fumble and walk through the lounge wearing the shoes I've just
been out in, only to be challenged with a snapped, "OI! I didn't hear you change! Are
they your outdoor shoes?"

"No! You obviously weren't listening as you had Josh (or DEAL) on so loud, I CHANGED
OK !", staring back with dread at where I'd just walked in case there were muddy
footprints to prove my guilt!

And this has all installed in me a phobia about whether I'm wearing the right or the
wrong shoes or any shoes at all!

It's far worse than realising my flies are open or that I forgot to open them in the first place!

No believe me it IS!

Friday, 25 March 2016


We were treated to a night in a Country House Hotel last night and found that we ate our evening meal alone !
Can anyone else see 'Buttered Leeks' and 'Crushed Potatoes' ? I'm sure that that's what it says !
Shirley had ordered for her main course 'Baked cod on shrivelled leeks and crushed potatoes' or some such thing and when it arrived she searched it thoroughly for any sign of leeks but found them missing !

Our Wine Waiter who was passing for the twentieth time and had nothing to do but look professional had a word with the Chef and returned to inform us that the Chef had forgotten to cook them but would instantly remedy the situation but of course you can't really shrivel leeks in the minute and a half it took him so Shirley ate almost raw warm leeks without complaining and her potatoes hadn't been crushed either !

We WERE offered a free glass of wine each as his way of apologising but as we were hard put to finish the 125ml of House Red we were about to pay a fiver each for we declined for fear of being seen reeling drunkenly up to our chamber !

As it was we fell into a heavy sleep by 9pm and Shirley missed the second episode of Emmerdale which vexed her when she woke for the day at 10pm !

We 'took' breakfast in the deserted Breakfast Room and thought it must be us but this gave us Carte Blanche to eat a full 'Continental' before requesting 'A Full English' !

Why the menu asked one to request Black Pudding or Baked Beans as an extra is beyond my comprehension and why Shirley got a Hash Brown and I DIDN'T also baffled me but the waitress was VERY pretty and I didn't want to appear quarrelsome !

Shirley ate a pastry after her Full Continental but BEFORE her Full English and sent me back for a French Yogurt and another pastry AFTER her Full English which bafflingly included a poached egg with ALL the white removed !
Hotel bathrooms without an opening window or a properly functioning fan are not conducive to romance !
We were stuffed when we left at ten and made our way across country to Howick Hall where after an hour and a halfs exhausting walk and before we did another hour and a halfs even more exhausting walk, Shirley asked that if we went into the restaurant whether I would be happy to share a sandwich and a cream tea .

Now a sandwich at Howick hall is a massive affair with salad and coleslaw and I was still feeling stuffed as she'd made ME eat her French yogurt at breakfast because after opening it she didn't like it when she KNEW I'd already had Rice Krispies, a Full English, a slice of toast and jam and a pastry, two cups of coffee and a glass of apple juice so I said "I'm really still not hungry but you have them." in a kindly voice.

"Well that's ruined my day then just because YOU say YOU'RE not hungry that has to mean I'M not hungry when I AM !"

We walked on in silence until I lied, "Actually I DO feel hungry now so we WILL share a sandwich and a Cream Tea !"

"You're just saying it aren't you ? Well it's too late and I've lost my appetite thanks to your selfishness !"

"No HONESTLY, I AM hungry now and I REALLY didn't mean to upset you so come on Poochy Poo, say you will !"

"OK then but I'll spread your clotted cream or you'll scoff the lot !"

So when the waitress approached to take our order Shirley said, "I'd like a slice of Mars Bar Crispy Cake and a Cream Tea with Earl Grey and milk, not lemon please and my husband will have a pot of coffee."

Anyone notice a sandwich missing from the order there ? The sandwich that nearly caused a divorce !

"Shirley, I thought you wanted one of their sandwiches ?" I probed gently.

"I hate sandwiches, you know I do !"

I was then allowed a sliver of Mars Bar Crispy Cake and a corner of her massive scone onto which she smeared an almost invisible layer of butter, jam and clotted cream !

We then completed our walk with about 8000 calories inside one of us !

Thursday, 17 March 2016


 I creep to bed on tiptoes whenever Shirley has gone to bed before me and last night as I crept towards the twin strident cacophonies of harsh voices on the radio and lady-snoring I knew from the years of experience which have turned me into a nervous wreck that even something as imperceptible as one of my eyelashes falling out and crashing to the floor will wake her instantly and she will let fly with a tirade calling my parentage into question and highlighting my selfishness !

   I NEVER listen to the radio in bed because I like silence and for me there's nothing worse than being kept awake by Shirley's radio which blasts, somewhat muffled, through her torso until two in the morning and tuned into 5 Live, a talk programme dedicated to sport and politics and phone-ins which attract every sleepless nutter in the world !

    The oddest thing is that Shirley can't stand the radio during the day and becomes suffused with anger if the sound from mine permeates the two thick walls and twenty feet that divides us as I work in my room and she sits with her laptop on a disability tray that leaks polystyrene balls searching through at least five hundred Google pages to satisfy her insatiable hunger to discover weather patterns across the North East of England and the South West of Scotland !

    Last night I didn't want to go to bed at nine thirty as she did and stayed up until the witching hour of ten thirty to sort out my millions of photos before my creep to the bathroom !

     I swear that I made no noise whatsoever, didn't flush the toilet or clean my teeth and got undressed in the lounge before entering the bedchamber and without breathing lifted the quilt with the lightness of touch of the fairy I'm often accused of being and slipped beneath into my regulated position of ramrod straightness with nothing touching any part of her body !

Her radio was blasting out at top volume and I hoped, really beyond hope that my actions would go unnoticed but NO, as my head touched my pillow I got bellowed at even though she had been deeply asleep until that instant, "Who's turned my radio on ? Why have you done that ? I was fast asleep and now my night is RUINED ! I can't believe you've done that AGAIN ! You know what a light sleeper I am ! You're going to have to sleep in the other room and I might as well get up because my night's ruined thanks to you !

And with that she was instantly asleep again and denied any memory of the incident this morning !

I lay there, not daring to move and forced to listen to the appalling Edwina Curry boring the life out of the country with Shirley's freezing left foot rammed up my crutch !



Monday, 29 February 2016


The medical advice to reverse erectile and heart dysfunctions is to eat watermelon and pistachio nuts which both contain chemicals that clean out the arteries and I bet you never thought you'd learn that in one of my Blogs did you ?

So yesterday at Aldi where I was harassingly followed relentlessly by an old and very VERY large yet extremely short woman who leaned against and rested both her arms and her gigantic bosoms on and over her trolley handle, I headed for the nut area and threw in a packet of the aforementioned fruits.

Her husband's enormously ponderous gut, the sort that actually fills out the top of the thigh portions of a man's trousers, also kept blotting out the daylight as he stared  lasciviously at every other woman in the aisles !

The very short lady in question was already leaning her arms on her trolley handle when fixing me, I swear, with a 'LOOK' as I was weighing up a watermelon in each hand, heaved her at least 70" breasts up and over and frankly into the area designed for a child to sit in !

Shirley even nudged me sharply in the ribs and nodding as subtly as she could in the other woman's direction hissed, "Jesus Christ ! This is the last time I ever go shopping on a Saturday morning !"

So anyway just now at 11pm I said that I fancied a dish of pistachios to which Shirley said, "Well you'll have a job as we don't have any !"

"Of course we do !" I ventured, "We bought some in Aldi on Saturday !"

"Don't be an idiot, you know I showed you yesterday that you'd bought cashews and not pistachios !" she retorted with her very special contempt fired at me whenever I dare to say anything at all !

"That was on Thursday, two days before we went to Aldi and a week after we last went shopping when I admit I did buy the wrong nuts !" I reminded her with as much courtesy as my superior manner would allow !

"Look ! I'm not not arguing with you, I can't be bothered now that your brain is going but I can assure you without even looking in the nut tin that we did NOT buy any pistachios on Saturday !"

"We DID because if you remember I once again picked up the cashews before realising my mistake upon which we BOTH went to the pistachio box !"

"Look ! You need to see a doctor because you are losing the plot very badly and I'm REALLY getting fed up with you ! Now just to prove a point, I'm going to open the nut tin and prove to you, once and for all that you are living in a fantasy land because as you will see there are NO PISTACHIOS ! RIGHT ? "

So Shirley lifted the lid of the nut tin with a SNORT OF DISGUST and there on the top of all the packets of heart and erectile dysfunction curing packets of nuts, seeds and milled flax was my packet of PISTACHIOS !

So WHO needs to see a doctor then ? NOT ME !

Oh and I've decided NOT to put on any photos showing erectile this point in time ! You'll just have to go onto the wider internet for them !