Wednesday 30 March 2016

Sally...Part 160. MY SHOE NIGHTMARE !

 MY REAL PROBLEM IS THAT MY NEW INDOOR SHOES ARE IDENTICAL TO MY OUTDOOR ONES !

 I can be anywhere these days when I suddenly can't remember which shoes I've got on or whether I've got any on at all! I can be seen stood, frozen to the spot and staring down at my feet in a panic!

 This anxiety is not a sign of senility but of Shirley's obsession to keep our
newly cleaned pale lounge carpet as spotless as possible even with grandchildren
ruining it with their unwelcome sticky fingers and nappy accidents.

 It was always a nightmare bringing up three children who more than once brought
in something very nasty they had trodden in on the way home from school and
deposited it on our then long-haired carpet for me to comb out and sterilise!

 So once our present carpet was cleaned Shirley had said to me, "David. DAVID ! LISTEN! Are
you listening to me or are you thinking about Facebook or your next Blog as usual?"

  "What? Yeh yeh I'm listening. What now? What have I done? What HAVEN'T I done?"

  "There's no need to get on your high horse, I was just going to say that I want
this carpet to stay clean so there's to be NO FOOD in here at ALL right? You, Janny and the
Grandchildren will have to eat in the kitchen from now on OK ?"

  "Yeh right, whatever."

  "And I don't even want them playing in here anymore so you'll have to have them
in your room or in the loft OK?"

   "Yeh right."

   "And no outdoor shoes in the house at all unless it's the Vicar or the Doctor right!"

   "Yeh fine."

   "Now repeat what I have just said!"

   "Something about Facebook and my Blog wasn't it?"

I now change from my IDENTICAL indoor shoes into my outdoor ones to leave the house and from my outdoor shoes into my indoor shoes whenever I re-enter the house even if I've only stepped out to the bin!

Sometimes I forget and fumble around in the hall pretending to change.

I have even known me to walk through to MY room carrying my wet indoor shoes hidden
behind my back after I'd forgotten to change into my outdoor ones to go to get the
Grandchildren from school !

My ears are ringing now to those terrible high-pitched growled words, "And what are you hiding from me you horrible, devious man?"

Sometimes I forget to fumble and walk through the lounge wearing the shoes I've just
been out in, only to be challenged with a snapped, "OI! I didn't hear you change! Are
they your outdoor shoes?"

"No! You obviously weren't listening as you had Josh (or DEAL) on so loud, I CHANGED
OK !", staring back with dread at where I'd just walked in case there were muddy
footprints to prove my guilt!

And this has all installed in me a phobia about whether I'm wearing the right or the
wrong shoes or any shoes at all!

It's far worse than realising my flies are open or that I forgot to open them in the first place!

No believe me it IS!

Friday 25 March 2016

Sally..Part 159, HOW CAN A CHEF FORGET ONE OF THE THREE COMPONENTS OF A MEAL !

THE COUNTRY HOUSE HOTEL...OUR SUITE WAS ALL THREE FLOORS AS SEEN HERE !
We were treated to a night in a Country House Hotel last night and found that we ate our evening meal alone !
Can anyone else see 'Buttered Leeks' and 'Crushed Potatoes' ? I'm sure that that's what it says !
Shirley had ordered for her main course 'Baked cod on shrivelled leeks and crushed potatoes' or some such thing and when it arrived she searched it thoroughly for any sign of leeks but found them missing !

Our Wine Waiter who was passing for the twentieth time and had nothing to do but look professional had a word with the Chef and returned to inform us that the Chef had forgotten to cook them but would instantly remedy the situation but of course you can't really shrivel leeks in the minute and a half it took him so Shirley ate almost raw warm leeks without complaining and her potatoes hadn't been crushed either !

We WERE offered a free glass of wine each as his way of apologising but as we were hard put to finish the 125ml of House Red we were about to pay a fiver each for we declined for fear of being seen reeling drunkenly up to our chamber !

As it was we fell into a heavy sleep by 9pm and Shirley missed the second episode of Emmerdale which vexed her when she woke for the day at 10pm !

We 'took' breakfast in the deserted Breakfast Room and thought it must be us but this gave us Carte Blanche to eat a full 'Continental' before requesting 'A Full English' !

Why the menu asked one to request Black Pudding or Baked Beans as an extra is beyond my comprehension and why Shirley got a Hash Brown and I DIDN'T also baffled me but the waitress was VERY pretty and I didn't want to appear quarrelsome !

Shirley ate a pastry after her Full Continental but BEFORE her Full English and sent me back for a French Yogurt and another pastry AFTER her Full English which bafflingly included a poached egg with ALL the white removed !
Hotel bathrooms without an opening window or a properly functioning fan are not conducive to romance !
We were stuffed when we left at ten and made our way across country to Howick Hall where after an hour and a halfs exhausting walk and before we did another hour and a halfs even more exhausting walk, Shirley asked that if we went into the restaurant whether I would be happy to share a sandwich and a cream tea .

Now a sandwich at Howick hall is a massive affair with salad and coleslaw and I was still feeling stuffed as she'd made ME eat her French yogurt at breakfast because after opening it she didn't like it when she KNEW I'd already had Rice Krispies, a Full English, a slice of toast and jam and a pastry, two cups of coffee and a glass of apple juice so I said "I'm really still not hungry but you have them." in a kindly voice.

"Well that's ruined my day then just because YOU say YOU'RE not hungry that has to mean I'M not hungry when I AM !"

We walked on in silence until I lied, "Actually I DO feel hungry now so we WILL share a sandwich and a Cream Tea !"

"You're just saying it aren't you ? Well it's too late and I've lost my appetite thanks to your selfishness !"

"No HONESTLY, I AM hungry now and I REALLY didn't mean to upset you so come on Poochy Poo, say you will !"

"OK then but I'll spread your clotted cream or you'll scoff the lot !"

So when the waitress approached to take our order Shirley said, "I'd like a slice of Mars Bar Crispy Cake and a Cream Tea with Earl Grey and milk, not lemon please and my husband will have a pot of coffee."

Anyone notice a sandwich missing from the order there ? The sandwich that nearly caused a divorce !

"Shirley, I thought you wanted one of their sandwiches ?" I probed gently.

"I hate sandwiches, you know I do !"

I was then allowed a sliver of Mars Bar Crispy Cake and a corner of her massive scone onto which she smeared an almost invisible layer of butter, jam and clotted cream !

We then completed our walk with about 8000 calories inside one of us !








Thursday 17 March 2016

Sally..Part 158. NOT AN UNTYPICAL NIGHT !

 I creep to bed on tiptoes whenever Shirley has gone to bed before me and last night as I crept towards the twin strident cacophonies of harsh voices on the radio and lady-snoring I knew from the years of experience which have turned me into a nervous wreck that even something as imperceptible as one of my eyelashes falling out and crashing to the floor will wake her instantly and she will let fly with a tirade calling my parentage into question and highlighting my selfishness !

   I NEVER listen to the radio in bed because I like silence and for me there's nothing worse than being kept awake by Shirley's radio which blasts, somewhat muffled, through her torso until two in the morning and tuned into 5 Live, a talk programme dedicated to sport and politics and phone-ins which attract every sleepless nutter in the world !

    The oddest thing is that Shirley can't stand the radio during the day and becomes suffused with anger if the sound from mine permeates the two thick walls and twenty feet that divides us as I work in my room and she sits with her laptop on a disability tray that leaks polystyrene balls searching through at least five hundred Google pages to satisfy her insatiable hunger to discover weather patterns across the North East of England and the South West of Scotland !

    Last night I didn't want to go to bed at nine thirty as she did and stayed up until the witching hour of ten thirty to sort out my millions of photos before my creep to the bathroom !

     I swear that I made no noise whatsoever, didn't flush the toilet or clean my teeth and got undressed in the lounge before entering the bedchamber and without breathing lifted the quilt with the lightness of touch of the fairy I'm often accused of being and slipped beneath into my regulated position of ramrod straightness with nothing touching any part of her body !

Her radio was blasting out at top volume and I hoped, really beyond hope that my actions would go unnoticed but NO, as my head touched my pillow I got bellowed at even though she had been deeply asleep until that instant, "Who's turned my radio on ? Why have you done that ? I was fast asleep and now my night is RUINED ! I can't believe you've done that AGAIN ! You know what a light sleeper I am ! You're going to have to sleep in the other room and I might as well get up because my night's ruined thanks to you !

And with that she was instantly asleep again and denied any memory of the incident this morning !

I lay there, not daring to move and forced to listen to the appalling Edwina Curry boring the life out of the country with Shirley's freezing left foot rammed up my crutch !