If you have ever set out penniless from Paris on your own on a tandem without a clue about where you were heading or when you were next going to eat and still weak from the loss of your girlfriend and the loss of weight caused by food poisoning then you too will have known bleakness and hopelessness !
What DID I think I was doing ? Where WAS I going, actually and in life ? I couldn't have told you then any better than I can now try to get back inside my younger mind.
But ever the optimist I cycled on and booked into a campsite at Chateau Thierry in the Champagne district where I was told that there would be plenty of grape-picking to be had !
I told the receptionist that I would pay my two pound site fee once I'd been to the post office to collect the money transfer from England which was waiting for me and set out into town to beg !
My tandem attracted interest wherever I went and it wasn't long before two young women were pointing at it and so I pounced for my one and only attempt at filching!
I thought that I'd asked them for a small amount of money to help me with my World Tour but by the look of horror on their faces and a quick reverse translation in my head realised that I'd asked them to let me have 'a little bit' to see me on my way !
Well I shot off, ducking the cobblestones that they'd ripped out the road and flung at me and hid in the woods for a few hours until the police hunt died down and taking drastic action immediately found a job sweeping a metalwork factory's floors for a couple of weeks before the grape harvest began .
So for those two weeks and with a daily sub I lived the high life of hard work by day with the pleasure of sitting at a pavement cafe sipping Pernod by night and I REALLY thought that I was LIVING !
Of course, what I really was was a twit !
Moving on to the heart of the grape-picking area at Epernay I got room and sumptuous board as one of a team of twenty kept deliberately and permanently drunk for ten days of backbreaking work !
I wished I'd asked about pay because when I went to collect what was owed me I was given ten pounds ! Yes ONE POUND a day after deductions !
So heading further south for about ten minutes I said, "Bugger this for a laugh !" or something much worse and turned for home !
That journey took a few days and once I'd once again run out of funds I sold the bike and tent and everything else for that matter for the fifteen quid I needed for the ferry and gave up !
I'd had my long hair cut short and had shaved my beard off and turned up in Brighton to delight Angie without telling her and rung her doorbell trembling with excitement !
I didn't recognise the man who opened the door and who asked what I wanted !
From down the corridor Angie's voice called out, " Who is it darling ? "
He replied, " Someone for you love !"
Angie simply didn't recognise the gaunt skeleton that stood on her doorstep and confused, apologised and tried to explain things !
I had eyes and didn't need explanations !
Oh well! This was the seventies and so, having been dumped and without a penny to my name, a roof over my head, a qualification to my name or a hope in Hell I slipped back to my parents house in London to lick my wounds and found Shirley sitting at the kitchen table, having been brought home by one of my brothers !
She looked at me and said, " You're the man I've been waiting my whole life for ! Will you marry me ? "
Every cloud has a silver lining !
The rest is history and sometimes when I dare to forget my past and disapprove of anyone trying to sell me The Big Issue I only need to think back and wonder if that couldn't have been me !
