Thursday 20 August 2015

Sally-Part 151. "YOU CAN'T BUY MOUNT FUJI ON AMAZON!"

SADLY UNAVAILABLE ON AMAZON !
My wife's brain works at least a thousand times faster than mine and each thought seems to be accompanied by a million subthoughts which in turn are accompanied by a billion others so it's hardly a wonder that she thinks I'm thick and we don't really listen to each other which probably isn't that surprising after more than four decades together!
PRETTY ACCURATE REALLY !
Well actually she won't listen to me because I'm a man and I don't listen to her because my mind is generally full, according to her, of unhilarious things to write to my friends on Facebook and completely made-up lies about her for my next Blog !

If, for example, I'm about to drive to the doctor's to get nothing wrong with me looked at again by one of the most attractive lady doctors in the world or catch a bus for another multi-hour babysitting round trip and I'm asked what I want in my sandwiches, the answer to which is always cheese, I also become aware of being given a list of confusing things to get and do or not do just as I'm leaving plus the times of departure of at least twelve other buses if I miss the seventeen minutes to the hour one which leaves thirty seconds after I get into the first bus station which is about a four minute fast sprint from the second one!

Little of what's been 'advised' enters my fogged brain and a written list would just get left somewhere I couldn't remember!

When her equally verbose sister and her husband were visiting a couple of weeks ago neither woman remained silent long enough for either man to say anything, despite trying several times by holding a polite finger up meaning that one or other of us had a salient point to make, so we two chaps moved along to the relative privacy at the end of my thirty three foot long lounge to chat about manly things like, well frankly very little but generalities because my brother-in-law is an academic and I'm not.

I have very little interest in the course on Spanish lesbian literature that he attended a few years ago and he, being a retired Spanish Professor of Literature, showed surprisingly little interest in the manufacture of small leathergoods in Northumberland!

However we found things to mull over despite the women's tongues drowning us out as they machine-gunned 'stuff' at nineteen to the dozen and his wife even managed to admonish him several times by somehow miraculously picking out overheard words which might relate in any way to parts of the female anatomy whilst talking loudly and rapidly about  herself and the subtle differences in the many hundreds of cups of Earl Grey tea she'd drunk on her world travels or the nuances of the endless Scandinavian detective series that both she and Shirley watch !

I'm actually sitting freezing in August in our static caravan at 7pm in appalling weather and whilst thinking, glanced up and watched a Weathergirl with a very pretty face and an unusually low cut top telling the nation about tomorrow's weather which I found myself not listening to as I was staring at her cleavage! Is that so wrong when it felt so right ?

A few minutes before that Shirley had got up, turned the telly off and holding a blanket over her arm for no reason I could fathom called out,"I haven't got a clue what sort of heater they've got next door but it's massive! OI! Deaf ears! I said that they've got a MASSIVE heater next door so come and have a look and tell me if you know what make it is 'cos I couldn't live with one that size!" This confused me as I didn't know 'we' were contemplating buying a heater as Shirley's core temperature remains at around 200*C even in mid-winter whilst mine languishes around minus thirty even in a heatwave !

I reluctantly stood up and as I was about to take a look Shirley continued, "Oh no! It's the woman herself, lit from above and not a heater!" so I sat down again and Shirley turned the telly back on to watch Emmerdale which I have watched four times in thirty years and to tell you the truth, it doesn't seem to have moved on much in all that time does it? At this precise moment a Geordie woman is sitting on the end of a settee with her arm around the neck and her right breast almost resting on the shoulder of a disappointed looking man! Had it been me on that settee I would have looked anything but disappointed and would probably have had a hard time remembering my lines as I tried to control a chap's natural urge to fondle such a gift placed anywhere within several feet of one's face!

Many years ago I spent nearly thirty years at market every Sunday standing beside an ugly, leering, ill-educated fifty year old idiot and one day, just for a challenge I asked a young, beautiful and charming female trader colleague to flirt with him and ask him out after I got fed up with his tales of how perfect his wife was, so she approached and did whatever was necessary to lure him into debauchery before returning to me with a look of abject failure on her face!

"Well I got REALLY close, like leant on him a bit, told him how much I liked him and how I'd fancied him for months and asked him what he was doing tonight and he said that he would be having one of his wife's splendid dinners which would be sitting ready for him when he walked in at precisely 5pm and backed off from me!"

Later on I asked this twit whether he'd noticed the girl who'd told me that she fancied him and he replied, "Aye ! And she pressed her breast against my arm and I can do without THAT!" (Names and addresses withheld)

So, much more interesting than that is the fact that my camera's on the blink for the third time in twenty months and I've started looking for a new one even before waiting for Olympus to respond to my public groan on their Facebook page.

I've found the one I want and reported back that I'd found it on Amazon considerably cheaper than the major shops.

"Well you need to read the reviews and press 'buy' under the enquiry to see who's selling it." I was advised though not really listening !

"What? There's a button I can press under a review?" I asked, genuinely surprised as I never do read reviews, leaving it to my organiser to do so as she'll read several thousand reviews of a thing she wants even if they all, right from the start and without fail say, 'This item is brilliant and you'd be a fool not to buy it'!

"So I can buy anything I want just by selecting 'buy' under it?" I asked amazed!

"That's NOT what I said deaf ears if you'd only LISTEN for once in your life! Gemma's right ! YOU NEVER LISTEN ! I said that when you type something into Google and press enter then you get a range of options which appear under the headlines like 'Images...Videos....Maps...Shopping' and it's the 'Shopping' one that you have to press, OK ?" she cajoled with some irritation in her voice which surprised me !

"So I can buy anything I want on Amazon by pressing 'Shopping' then ?"

"Well you can't buy Mount Fuji on Amazon you fool but that's what Amazon's for....buying stuff!"

And so I've learnt something new today though I have no idea where Mount Fuji came from !

Oh God! Coronation Street's just started so I'm OFF!

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